This past weekend was a huge step in my relationship with Matt.
Quite possibly one of the more important things that we could ever do with each other.

I invited him to a christmas party that a club I  belong to on campus was having. It was in the Dominion and everyone was dressed up in ball gowns, cocktail dresses, Tux things, etc. Anyway, Matt wasn't very social and I believe part in that was due to the fact that I myself wasn't exactly a social butterfly either. Everyone who is in that club has been there for quite a while and they also know a lot more people. There were hardly any first years and the fishies that were there, were engaged in conversations with other people. :| Bah, basically it was awkward for me most of the time. I talked to people, but not excessively. Anyway, we ended up leaving the party around 10:20ish and then we came back to my place so I could change and get my stuff to go back to his place. Anyway, while he's at my place he just knocks out on my bed. I could have cared less because the whole time that we were there, he looked like he was super tired and about to fall asleep, etc. Also, before he even came to pick me up for the party I had explained to him the day before that I would like to get there early, if not on time. The partty started at 7 and we got there at 7:45 because he showed up to my apt at 7. I was highly pissed off at him because for every single thing that I want to do or whatever, he is always late. That annoys me to no end because for HIS things we are early or on time. Anyway, I get my stuff ready and we leave. I was feeling so emotional after the party and before because of the things that I had going through my head before and after. So, we leave in seperate cars and I just start crying in my car as I was driving to his place. (we had to take diff. cars because I work the next morning.) The whole way back to uiw I was crying and thinking to myself that I wasn't sure if I could continue the relationship or if I wanted to.
So, we get to his place and I'm fine. He has no clue what went down during the car ride over. We get to his room and I have to wash clothes. So, I take his detergent and my clothes to the laundry room. He went back downstairs because he forgot sometihng from his car. So, as I'm walking back to his room with the detergent, I'm whistling and skipping. I accidently somehow let go of the container and the cap comes off and detergent goes EVERYWHERE. I freak out and panic because I knew Matt was going to get pissed at me. So, I run into his room and call Chris V so he can come over and help me clean it up before Matt gets back. Chris runs over and we are JUST starting when Matt comes through the hallway door. Chris takes off and leaves me there so I take off running in the opposite direction. Matt walks down the hall and sees the mess and is like: "Angela! Are you fucking kidding? I dont care. It's not my mess. You're cleaning it up by yourself." I want to say something to him and explain myself that it was an accident but my eyes just well up with tears and I walk away. Chris sees me and gives me a hug and helps me clean it up, along with an RA who sees the atrocity a few minutes later. So, I was too scared to walk back into Matt's room so I just stayed outside on the couches talking with Chris and getting it all out. I've spoken with him before about how I've felt and so he knows where I stand. Anyway, I was sobbing as I was talking to Chris just because I was going to tell him that I was planning on breaking up with Matt. We talk and talk and I eventually go back into Matt's room. He is on his bean bag chair and so I get on the bed with my computer. I'm texting and turning on my comp and he is just on his. He doesnt say a damn word to me, vice versa. So, about an hour goes by and it's already like 12:45. I'm tired as hell so I put up everything and attempt to go to sleep. Then I hear the clicking of the keyboard and I know that he is chatting online. That is the breaking point for me because its like, he can talk to other people but not me. Im in the fucking room with him and he cant even talk to me. So, I get my phone and text Chris asking if I could just sleep over at his place on his couch because I've had it with Matt. I was that damn tired of everything. So, I start crying and just walk out of the room and call Chris. We talk and he says absolutely. So, I go back into the room and start putting away my stuff into a bag. Matt asks what I was doing and I explain to him that I am leaving to Chris' room because I dont want to be with him any longer. That it was hard for me to be around him. He actually shows concern and gets up to close the door so we could have some privacy. He then says "ok." and nothing more. That was disappointing because I expected him to stop me or at least say something else. Nope. Nothing. I just start crying some more because for me, it was like....as soon as I walk out that door, nothing will be the same on my end anymore. I was tired of Matt hurting me and not showing that he cared.

So, I turn around and look at Matt and say: "Its like you dont care. You dont even talk to me anymore. You would rather chat online that talk to me. Why? What did I do to you?" and then he turns to me and we begin talking about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I go into detail about how much he has hurt me and exactly how he has made me feel these past few months. I also tell him that I love him enough to let him go and break up with him. I told him how I think that he would be happier without me because then he wouldnt have to worry whether or not he is hurting me or whether or not he is doing something wrong in our relationship. I couldnt even control my thoughts at that point and was just spilling out everything I had ever wanted to tell him. He then grabbed me and brought my closer to him. He put his hands on my face and asked me if I knew what I was saying and if I had thought about everything before saying it. I think what hurt him at that point was the fact that I said I had been thinking and feeling those things for a while. His face got all red and serious and I knew that I hit a nerve. I stood in front of him just talking some more and then gave him his chance. That boy just opened up to me and began apologizing for everything that he did or didnt do for me/to me. He said that he knew that  even though I never told him I was hurting, he knew. He said that he knows he hurts me when he forgets about me or forgets to call me, etc. He just broght up all the things that I never said directly and apologized for them in detail. The whole time I was just listening and crying. It was hurting me for him to say those things just because of how I knew he felt. I knew he felt like shit and part of that I had to just let happen because without it, he would never understand how I felt. My intention was not make him feel like shit, but to understand what he had been doing to me and how I had been feeling. Anyway, he was pouring it all out and I told him that I love him enough to let him be on his own and that since he is happier with his friends this would be better. He told me that he isn't happier with friends and that he looks forward to seeing me on the weekends. I told him that I was willing to do this to make his life easier and that since I genuinely loved him this much, I would do it for him and for no other reason. He joined me on the floor and sat next to me. He then started talking again and explaining a few more things. He said that it was my decision and that whatever I chose would be it. He said that he wasn't going to try and change my mind but he was going to have to deal with it. Before that, he did say that he knew he had changed and that I had stayed the same. He knew that he had changed and that he didn't like what he had become. He didn't like the fact that he wasn't as nice to me, or that he didn't do things for me, or that he didn't really pay that much attention to me anymore. He said that he didn't know how he became that way but also that he didnt know how to change it. He said that he just doesnt have the time he needs to go back to normal and I told him that he does. He does have the time to go back to normal again, he just has to try.
I looked him in the eye and told him that I love him enough to let go. His face dropped and got all red. His eyes filled up with tears and I began talking. I was talking slowly and quietly. I then told him that I did in fact love him enough to do that but that I wasn't. I told him that I loved him way too much to give up and not work with him. I said that I wasn't going to give up on him and that true love is patient and kind, not haste and hard. I said that I would continue to wait for him and give him time, and in the mean time continue to love him and give him my all. I looked up at him and he was crying. He put his arms out and I gave him a hug. We held each other for a while and then I whispered in his ear: "I'm not saying that I never understood the severity of the words I love you, but I am saying that after this, I truly understand what they mean and how I feel for you." It was that moment that was beautiful. It was that moment that solidified our relationship further. I'm glad that he had that talk and that we found out how the other felt.

Our love isn't romantic, it isn't magical and it isn't a cake walk anymore. At least for now. For now it's work. For now it's work and determination. We both can't afford to have the free love that we had before we took on bigger responsibilities. We know that. We know that we could easily seperate and then come back after we have all our work stuff out of the way, but that's too convenient. And our love isn't convenient, nor perfect. It's raw. And raw is beautiful.

College has forced me to change.
College has forced me to open my eyes to certain things.
College has forced me to realize certain things.
 

:) Yum. Just finished my class of milk with my cheese sandwich :)

Also just woke up from a DAMN GOOD nap. I went to bed at 5am because I was helping Matt with his homework while he was studying for a test. We were doing stuff from like 10pm - 5am. It was crazy. He had  to watch Training Day for a christian ethics class so he could write a paper on it. I offered to do the paper since he had a shit load of other stuff to do. It was a good movie but I didn't like Alonzo from the beginning. Hoyt was a good character from the start, and Alonzo was just a douche I would have kicked to the curb in the very beginning. hahaha. I wrote a 3pg paper in 25 minutes and I was never more proud. hahaha, now if I can crank that out at 4:30am after drinking monster and eating oreos, anyone can. That was the latest I've stayed up since I've been in college. Second latest almost sort of came close; 3am.

I find that I look forward to weekends only because I can escape the retardness of my roommates and find solace with Matthew :) I really do enjoy being with him the entire weekend. If only I didn't work, that would make it even better because then we could sleep in, watch movies, study and just enjoy each other's company.

Fuck I'm tired. I knocked out at 5am, woke up at 9am, got my TB shot, drove back to my apt, went to sleep at like 11:30, woke up for a little bit, went back to sleep at 12:30 then woke up again at 2:30. Baaaah, I have class at 4 today. From 4-8pm :|

Someone at my gummi bears :(
They are all gone. I bought a bag like a week ago and I put it in the fridge.....and now they're all gone. I hate that shit. No one will admit to it either. Bitch. :( :( :( :( I love gummi bears......and now they're all gone. Poopheads.
I also just bought a magazine yesterday.....and now I dont know where that is either. What the fuck? :( I'm going to have to really be paranoid about my shit now. I mean, its not everyone....I have a feeling that its one girl but I think I only feel that way because I dont like her. Oh well. As soon as I'm done with this I'm going to knock on her door and ask her if she knows where my magazine is. I will get to the bottom of the missing magazine.
:)
Aside from that, things are going swell. I'm still having moderate fun and doing my work. I STILL need 2 more books so thats exciting. Not. It will set me back at least a hundred, maybe 150 if I suck.
Hm.....they are still pressuring me to go HOOKAH with them. I dont want to do that shit. I dont like that shit. I never will like that shit. I just dont want to do it. Not even to try it. Its like....what the fuck? If you want to smoke, go out and buy a pack of fags. Plus, its not cool to do it either. I think its stupid. People plaster their pages and phones and whatnot with pictures of them inhaling and hugging the pipes, bla bla bla. What the hell. Its not cool. Get over yourself. Smoking anything isn't cool period. Even if hookah apparently isn't even that bad or bad at all, I still wont do it. At all. It will take a movement from hell to get me to even try it.
Oh blasted my allergies have been bothering me all day. :( My eyes are watery, my nose itches, I've been sneezing, and my head hurts. Crappers. I think I'll walk to school today. I wont use my bike.
Jesus I'm ripping apart my cuticles like there is no tomorrow. GAH! I need to stop.

In other news...
I'm out.

hhahahah college life is pretty pimp.
I like it.
You do what you want, when you want and there is no one to answer to. Unless of course your phone rings. :p

I like my classes....I still need 3 books, and some online key thing.....which blows.
Um, I've spent a lot of money....which I'm depressed about. I wish there was another way around it...but there isn't.
:)
My roommates are still pretty cool.
I'm begining to despise one of them now....only because she makes me feel like some loud, inconsiderate, sloppy bitch. Seriously. And that has never been further from the truth. In honesty, shes the one that is inconsiderate and sloppy.....and BITCHY! I must admit, I am loud....but I can tame it down. She is just annoying as fuck. and FAT! Did I mention fat? Sorry I had to play that card. She is just really getting on my nerves. She told me to shut the fuck up last night. I wanted to fly across the table and just slap the shit out of her. Seriously, you do not tell me to shut the fuck up and then bitch for the entire fucking night about how loud it is and then glare at me from far away. Ugh, what a whore. Anyway, I'm not the only one noticing her animosity towards me. Victoria notices it too....and believe me, we talk shit about them to each other because it's relieving getting it all out.
I just hope that one day soon I dont SNAP and go apeshit on her like I normally would. The only thing holding me back is the fact that we live together.....and will live together for the entire YEAR. Not semester, YEAR! Yea...it will suck if I act like I normally would and just tell her sometihng straight up. For now, I'm holding it in as best I can.
:) I wish myself good luck.
In other news, I'm copng quite well knowing that everyone in my past that has ever meant anything to me has disappeared. hahahhha! Seriously, like.....80% of people that I was close to in high school just went POOF!
I had a falling out with Analiza, but thats because she wont get off her high horse and fix things with me for whatever reason. I suppose things do go to people's heads eventually. It felt like a bad breakup at first, but then I tried to get over it by just not thinking about it. So far its worked. But I stil think about it....and bring it up to people that know. haha, call me pathetic for holding on to something that has been long gone.
:)
Anyway, I have a paper to write.....and its due by 8pm tonight.....or whenever my class lets out tonight. :)
I dont think I have any spanish, and I've already done my math. Looks like this comp is the only thing between me and a nap right now. :)
:)

Moving in was great. It took me like 2 hours just to set everything up.
Of course I had to make chanegs in the days following. Dont ask. I put my bed up on risers......thank god. OH that was perhaps the funniest shit I have ever done in my life with another person. I thought I could do it myself but my friend Andrew was here so I was like: "Dude, you're big. Help me." AAAAHAHAHAH so yea, he did....or tried to. We were laughing the entire time because everything kept getting fucked up. Like, the riser on one side would flip over or fall off and I ended up getting smashed under the bed, bla bla bla. It was hilarious. But yea, my room is finally set. Well, I mean....I need ticky tack shit so I can hang up all kinds of crap in my room but aside from that, everything is cool. :) 
I have everything I could possibly need but I still feel like I'm missing something. Like, I could be doing something more. Oh, this paranoid anxiety of mine has to stop. :p
:)
My roommates are awesome. Victoria, Chelsea and Kathryn. We all went to wal-mart last night along with baskin robbins and HOOOOLY SHIT that was awesome. I fell in love with the oreo sundae they have :) :) :) :) Yum.
:)
:)
SO FAR....college life is ok. Not terrible. Then again, I havent started classes yet. I start on Wednesday....and I'm just a little nervous. I dont know where  ANYTHING is at so I'm going to have to go and find those places either today or tomorrow. 
:)
I'm free for the greater part of the day. I dont have anything pressing that I need to do other than to buy a parking pass and books. :|
:)

Imagine:
119 people crammed into a building for 4 years. Some died out; majority stuck it through. Throughout those 4 years, bonds were formed, friendships were made and relationships built. Everyone knows that those 4 years will be the last of their schooling together as a group, so they enjoy it while it lasts. Close to the end, everyone realizes that they'll maybe never see each other again, or at least for a while. They make promises to keep in touch, promises to hang out, promises to stay close. Everyone knows that at least a dozen of those promises will fall through and forgotten. Ok. Tears were shed throughout those 4 years, blood bled, memories made. With that said, after those 4 years is up....and everyone leaves, those bonds and memories diminish into reality. They diminish into the reality of the outside world. Those bonds were thick and realiable...for those 4 years. Afterwards, they become nothing but words and fond memories, no longer the fortress of wisdom and nuturing. Hmmm, funny.

Anyway, I had a good day. I'm very exhausted actually. I came home around 12:30 last night from playing volleyball and hanging out with Matt, Jmike and Vero. That was fun. Turns out that positive thinking really does influence those around you. :) We won our games; that was badass. We actually only won 2 of the 4 that we played. Booo!!!

I move in 20 days, and start school in 23/25 days. I'm not sure. :) I'll be glad to make new friends and see how far I can push myself academically. It should definitely be an uphill challenge.....but one that I'm willing to take on. I can do it. I know I can. I just have to keep my goal in mind and I should be good. 

Yea, so my summer thus far is going well. I suppose. I've had to learn the hard way with a few things but nothing terribly devestating. (I hope) I've learned: 
that my mother has these mood swings where I seem like I dont exist. Its like the only time I do exist is when something isn't done around the house or when the dishes arent washed, or the towels arent washed....or the house isn't clean. I hate that fucking shit. It's always the same shit. Always. My brother can be home all fucking day long and I come home from work and I get the pleasure of hearing her give me attitude about the house and this and that. I sometimes wish my brother was LIKED as much as me when it comes to chores. I swear, he sits on his ass all day, talks on the phone to people and helps them with their insurance woes. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF ITS A HARD JOB TO GET, IS IT A HARD JOB TO KEEP? :( I'm standing outside all day in the sun (its not terribly bad, trust me) but then I come home and just want to relax. :( :( I've been tired of it for way too long now.
I've also learned that people arent who you think they are. Cliche, I know. I couldnt help myself. Its true however, it really is. Take my relationship with Matt for instance. I thought things were always going to be peachy and a cake walk. WRONG! Most relationships have this kind of trouble from the very beginning (like...3 months into it) but not Matt and I. We held out this long without having any arguments and it was a good thing. A very good thing. We're both growing. We're both learning. We're both growing up....and we're doing it together. It's a hard thing sometimes, it really is. With both of us having responsibilties, it's a tough thing. It's also a hard thing when we take it out on each other. When we dont communicate as well as we should. When we just dont communicate at all. When we're stubborn about things. When we give each other attitude about stupid shit. Yea, it's hard. But it's worth it. It defintiely is worth it. Love is pretty much worth going through anything for.

Two of the lessons that I've learned so far in my summer. I've learned more.....I've grown more.....I've seen more, but I only feel like talking about those two for today.

OH SWEET JESSSSUS I WANT A BABY GORILLA!
:(

I just want to protect them....and make them all nice and better!! ;D :D :D :D :D :D :D I WANT TO SAVE THEEEEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohhh man, I wish I had the ability to save the world. I really do. I mean, I DO.....but not the exact kind of ability I want. I just want my dreams to be able to COMPLETELY 100% come true about saving the world!! I mean....only if things were easy. :(

ANYWAY....
I WANT TO SAVE THE MOUNTAIN GORILLAS! I WANT TO SAVE THE PEOPLE IN THE CONGO! I WANT TO SAVE AFRICA! I WANT TO TAKE THOSE MEAN PEOPLE AND SLAP THEM ON THE WRIST. I WANT TO JUST........SAVE EVERYTHING! :)

Maaaan, sometimes I think I care too much :p You know when little kids are little they say that they want to be a superhero so they can save the world? Well, that part of me never went away or grew up....lmao, except for the superhero part. That evolved into a political activist with the desire to save the world. hahahha! ;D :D :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D ;D 
Its nice to have huge dreams.....it keeps you going. It keeps me going, even when the people in my life are being assholes :)

 All I want to do tonight is cry.
All I want to do tomorrow is cry.

 Rough spots are inevitable. 
I sometimes feel that the things I say just go in one ear and out the other. I think it's time that him and I have another "I hate when you do this, I hate when you do that, I love when you do this, I love when you do that" talk.  I mean, seriously...I'm getting very annoyed and just bitter about the whole thing. :(
I tell him to give me a break sometimes but it just feels like I'm his cutting block most of the time. I know he loves me, no doubt about that; but sometimes I just want him to treat me a little more softly. Its like...."come on Matthew! Treat me a little more different once in a while. Don't always cut on me or don't always get frusterated with me bla bla bla."
:(
I tell him to be nicer BUT ITS ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER! Maybe I dont always want to be a smartass. Maybe sometimes I don't appreciate you always making fun of me. I laugh all the time only because I cant do anything else. I can't exactly get pissed for every time because then I'd always be pissed. :( :(
I know we've been together for a long time
and I would hate for either of us to take each other for granted
so maybe once in a while it's good for one another to do something nice just because. To surprise the other just because. OR MAYBE TO HAVE A NICE TALK WITH THE OTHER JUST BECAUSE.
Oh I dont get any time with my friends because you always want to go out. I dont have that much money (even though he does!) because you make me buy you things. You're always asking me to buy you things. You're so expensive. Why are you loud? STOP POKING ME! STOP PLAYING! IM SERIOUS!
All of that is a load of shit and he knows it...but he says it because he KNOWS its a lie and that will get me annoyed with him for saying that. He's even admitted to it. "Oh, I just say it because I know you'll get pissed." Is our relationship based on each other being a smartass to the other? No. So why do it all the time?

Come on, dont get too comfortable with me and start treating me differently. I dont want you to get THAT comfortable to where you lose some respect for me and just take for granted that I wont say anything or that I dont do anything about it. Dont get too comfortable to where you dont listen to what I say or dont take me seriously. :(

That's it.